1. "Waterlogged World"
The day begins like any other in Blow Hole Bay: Little Nipper and Munga Pete surfing, until a tsunami wave rocks Blow Hole Bay, destroying the beach and unearthing the twisted and tangled remains of, ‘Waterlogged World’.
A modern day Pompeii, Waterlogged World is eerily intact; its carnival rides and fish tanks battered but still functional. But the most shocking discovery they find is the pickled corpses of the Armenian Siamese Twins (famous accordion double act). The theme park is declared a disaster area and a crime scene.
Local tourist entrepreneur, Dick Deal, suggests a solution: the theme park is hastily repaired and reopened as, “Waterlogged World – Under New Management”. Surfing is banned indefinitely until the repairs can be completed. Bored, Little Nipper convinces Albert to help him investigate the mysterious Siamese twins. However, while following up on a lead, Little Nipper is captured by the merciless raconteur and pirate, Salty Dog. Salty Dog exonerates himself from the murders of the Twins, but in a random act of piracy throws Little Nipper overboard.
Little Nipper almost drowns but is saved at the last minute by Sea Cow, a Great Southern Ocean Dugong. In a scene reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland’s Tea Party, Sea Cow leads Little Nipper to the secret underwater hideout of the ‘real’ Armenian Siamese Twins. The Twins are alive! The Twins explain their motives for ‘disappearing’: they were tired of being exploited as freaks and wanted to live a quiet life cultivating coral. They warn Little Nipper that Waterlogged World is cursed. But before they can explain Little Nipper passes out.
Little Nipper comes to on dry land, unsure of what was real and what was imagined. He tries to warn the grownups of ‘Waterlogged World’ curse but they won’t listen. But before the grand opening, there is a freak accident and the remnants of ‘Waterlogged World’ slide back into the sea, from whence it came.
The next day, Mayor Swineburn dismisses any idea of resurrecting Waterlogged World and decides to repair the beach instead. The first truckload of sand arrives. Little Nipper and Munga Pete are first in the water with their surfboards. Little Nipper ponders the fate of the Twins. Deep under the sea, the Armenian Siamese Twins put the final touches to their coral garden.
2. “Smugglers Cove”
Stargazing on a deserted beach one night, Little Nipper and Munga Pete come across what they think might be contraband but on closer inspection, they discover crates containing “Green Apple Shampoo”. Thinking nothing of it, Little Nipper and Munga Pete, call it a night.
The next day a ticker-tape parade heralds the arrival of Lexy Mentos, celebrity hairdresser and rumoured gangland figurehead. Mayor Swineburn announces the exciting news that Lexy Mentos has chosen to relocate his hairdressing business empire to Blow Hole Bay. Mayor Swineburn declares that, “Hair is Blow Hole Bay’s Future”.
Little Nipper witnesses Lexy being attacked by two thugs. Little Nipper sounds the alarm and saves Lexy. Lexy embraces Little Nipper and conscripts him as his junior lieutenant in the business.
Initially, Little Nipper doesn’t suspect Lexy of any criminal activity until he notices the large amounts of cash flying around and the mysterious comings and goings of Mafioso types. Little Nipper begins to have his first doubts about his new boss, including the authenticity of Lexy’s crowning pompadour.
At a big party at the Lexy Mentos Mansion, Little Nipper confronts Lexy and demands to know if he is a legitimate businessman. Lexy is appalled that Little Nipper could believe such vicious rumours. Little Nipper is reassured briefly; that is, until he and Rosemary witnesses Lexy bundle the unconscious form of Mayoress Swineburn into his car and speed away.
Rosemary thinks Lexy has taken his victim to Shark Island. So disguised as dive tourists, Little Nipper, Munga Pete, and Rosemary make their way to Lexy’s secret hideout Shark Island. In scenes reminiscent of a James Bond movie: Rosemary and Sea Cow are taken captive, Little Nipper and Munga Pete fend off gun totting frogmen. Fortunately, the cavalry arrives in the form of Air and Sea Rescue.
Back at the watch-house, it is discovered that Mayoress Swineburn was not kidnapped and the only thing she is suffering from is a hangover. And the heavy security at the lab, justified: considering the lengths Lexy’s competitors will go to steal his secret formulas.
Captain Yardarse is furious. He wants to charge Little Nipper, Rosemary, Munga Pete and ‘the fish’ (Sea Cow) with trespass. In a conciliatory gesture, Yardarse offers to step up police surveillance at the laboratory. But a suddenly nervous Lexy Mentos reassures Yardarse that he can take care of his own security issues, and insists all charges be dropped. All is forgiven but not forgotten.
3. “Blow Hole Bay on e-Bay”
Dick Deal, local entrepreneur and real estate agent, is so fed up with slow sales that he puts all the properties up for sale on the Internet auction site, e-Bay. There is an unprecedented bidding war for the town. Then out of the blue, a mystery punter gazumps the competition, and purchases Blow Hole Bay lock, stock, and barrel.
The next day Blow Hole Bay’s residents line the street in anticipation of the new owner of the town and right on cue, a limo pulls in front of the Town Hall. The driver’s door flies open and out jumps Bryan Brown, international Australian film star and new owner of Blow Hole Bay.
Bryan Brown, or Brownie as he would prefer to be called takes the podium and addresses the townspeople. He explains how he fell in love with Blow Hole Bay on a brief family vacation some 30 years ago, and even though he only spent a short time here, he came to think of Blow Hole Bay as his ancestral home. So when the opportunity arose to purchase a slice of history, and preserve all the great things he remembered about Blow Hole Bay, he jumped at the opportunity.
Blow Hole Bay becomes famous because of its movie star resident, and tourists flood into town to catch a glimpse of Brownie. But this doesn’t please the star at all, who wants to keep a low profile and have the sleepy seaside hamlet all to himself. Brownie’s lawyers enact a minor clause in their contract and the tourist quota of Blow Hole Bay is fixed at the 1967 record of 57. Things go from bad to worse with more and more clauses of the contract being enacted, which turns Blow Hole Bay into a historical village with its residents acting out a sanitised and romantic vision of its past to appease the nostalgic whim of the Hollywood idol.
Little Nipper and his friends are clearly not happy with the changes in Blow Hole Bay and Little Nipper begins to rebel. However, a couple of harmless pranks put Little Nipper in Boys Town, reopened in lieu of the growing number of ‘delinquents’ being arrested in Blow Hole Bay. In a scene reminiscent of Oliver Twist, Little Nipper is threatened by the warden and just when things look hopeless, from the roof drops Bryan Brown. In a Hollywood choreographed fight scene Brownie defeats the warden and rescues the kids.
Bryan confesses that there are things in his past that he would sooner forget. He lifts the lid of a desktop, and scratched into its lid is the inscription, “Brownie was here 67.”
4. “Chariots of the Gods Hang Ten”
A school excursion to the ‘Devil’s Marbles’ goes tragically wrong when Mange (stray dog and school mascot) chases a ball, thrown by Clifford Gunner, into the labyrinth of boulders. By morning Constable Kibble breaks the sad news: Mange cannot be saved. In a surprise outburst, Clifford Gunner breaks down in a tearful heap, and from somewhere deep inside the ‘Devils Marbles’, Mange begins to howl. Little Nipper and Clifford join forces to rescue Mange and discover a secret cave where they discover an ancient monolith of what they think is an alien riding a surfboard.
The next day the TV crew is back, this time with the controversial TV anthropologist, Nigel Knaffbottom. After a brief inspection of the monolith, Knaffbottom declares that the monolith reveals evidence of aliens, probably from Mars, who visited earth, established contact with our ancestors and liked to surf.
Local Aboriginal people deny any knowledge of the monolith. Mama Ngungun, a tribal elder and local bush poet, warns the kids to keep away from the ‘Devils Marbles’. Knaffbottom accuses Mama Ngungun of keeping secret, ‘secret woman’s business’: thus frustrating his theory. Mama Ngungun ignores Knaffbottom and refuses his request to be interviewed for his TV special.
Mama Ngungun, enraged by Knaffbottom’s lies, enlists the help of her highflying, legal eagle son, Sammy Ngungun. Sammy arrives and starts to serve writs left, right and centre. Sylvia Le Plage becomes infatuated with Sammy and reassures him that carbon testing on the monolith will discount Knaffbottom’s outrageous claims.
Knaffbottom overhears Sylvia and Sammy’s conversation and to preserve his reputation plots to destroy the monolith. A crane has hoisted the monolith into the air but in the scuffle, the monolith is dropped and lands upside-down or right side up, however, you want to look at it. The figure etched on the monolith now resembles a rather amateur still life (sunflowers and assorted crockery #37). A nervous titter ripples through the onlookers.
5. “Sport VS Brains (Winner takes all)”
Albert Pataka wins the state-wide spelling B championship. None of his family is in attendance but that doesn’t bother the youngster, until a news flash interrupts the awards ceremony. It’s announced that the grand old man of Aussie cricket, Stuey Goodhitter, is dead at age 102. All thought of celebrating Albert’s win is forgotten and Mayor Swineburn declares it a day of mourning in Blow Hole Bay. Something snaps in the usually obliging and modest Albert Pataka; he becomes a goth-punk overnight.
With Albert’s newfound rebellion, Little Nipper finds a co-conspirator and suggests a prank to steal the “Goodhitter splinter”, a tiny wedge of wood said to have come from Stuey’s bat; a virtual holy relic. When Mayor Swineburn discovers the ‘splinter’ missing he puts the town on high alert and orders Captain Yardarse to conduct a house-to-house search for the missing fragment.
Meanwhile, the chess club has reconvened under the cover of darkness for a clandestine meeting. Albert Pataka addresses the geeky band and his intention to hold a Goth black mass the night before Stuey’s funeral and ‘sacrifice’ the splinter. But Little Nipper thinks this is going too far and insists that they return of the ‘splinter’. Albert refuses and a fight breaks out between the nerdy Goths and the Life Savers. Little Nipper wrestles Albert for the ‘splinter’. Albert tosses the splinter into the boiling sea. Without thinking, Little Nipper dives in to retrieve it and gets into trouble but is saved at the last minute. Albert agrees to give the ‘Goodhitter Splinter’ back but on his own terms.
The next day, at Stuey Goodhitter’s funeral, the doors of the chapel are flung open and in run a mixed group of goths and junior lifesavers, boys and girls, either in academic gowns or speedos and caps. They are lead by Little Nipper and Albert. When they reach the pulpit they swing around to face the congregation. Little Nipper rebukes the minister for calling Stuey ‘a God’ and declares that, “Stuey Goodhitter was just a bloke”, and ads Albert, “But he was a great cricketer and we think that he should take his favourite bat or what’s left of it with him”. Albert pulls the vile out of his pocket. Mayor Swineburn raises the alarm but it’s too late.
Albert tosses Goodhitter’s ‘splinter’ high into the air. It rises and falls in a graceful arc landing on top of Stuey’s coffin. The furnace doors slam shut. The kids send up a wild cheer and toss their life-saving and academic caps high into the air.
6. “Creature from the Tailings Dam”
Rosemary Gunner absconds from a school excursion at the mangrove flats. She sneaks off to a nearby tailings dam. However, what she doesn’t realise is that she is being watched, by something just under the surface of the lake.
Little Nipper is busy tagging and documenting crustaceans from the bottom of the mangrove flats with Willy Pecker, spoilt rich kid, and ‘muddy buddy’. Little Nipper interrupts Willy when he hears something akin to tribal drumming off in the distance then they hear Rosemary’s screams. When they reach the tailings dam, Rosemary is gone. Little Nipper finds two sets of muddy footprints leading into ‘Dead Man’s Swamp’, inaccessible in low tide.
When Rosemary doesn’t turn up for work at the hair salon, Lexy Mentos posts a generous reward and some unscrupulous bounty hunters, Salty Dog and Willy Pecker, mount their own expeditions. Little Nipper and Willy make their way into the swamp. Before long, members of the search party start to disappear and Little Nipper finds himself surrounded by a band of hell-raising gibbons. He is saved at the last minute by the ‘Monster from the Tailings Dam’, who then disappears beneath the primal slime.
In a scene reminiscent of Planet of the Apes Little Nipper is captured by the gibbons and joins his caged friends. It is then that Salty Dog informs Little Nipper of Madam Professor Lumpenneck and her evil plan to breed beatniks by crossing a gibbon with a human. Little Nipper is horrified.
All looks hopeless, when out of the mud surfaces the ‘Monster from the Tailings Dam’ who orders Lumpenneck to stop. Professor Lumpenneck recognises the voice as her old university supervisor, better known locally as ‘Snorkel Man’.
‘Snorkel Man’ accuses Lumpenneck of ‘playing God’ with her mad experiments and she accuses him of professional jealousy. They lunge at each other, clawing and biting, like two monsters from an on old sci-fi film. The titanic struggle ends tragically when both become stuck in a tar-pool and sink fast beneath the primordial mud.
The sun sinks on another episode of Blow Hole Bay to the sound of tribal drums coming from deep inside the mangrove swamp. Suddenly ‘Snorkel Man’ breaks the surface of the water, gasps, gives a blood-curdling howl, takes a rasping gulp of air and disappears under the water.
7. “Survivor, Blow Hole Bay style”
A group of television executives are trying to come up with an original concept for a ‘Reality TV’ show. The only female executive, Meta Angelopoulos, interrupts. She proposes a “Survivor meets Big Brother” backpacker billeting show. The chairman of the Network loves it, takes all the credit for the idea and the show is christened, “Backpack This!”
After examining the psychological profiles of thousands of entrants Meta Angelopoulos pairs the selected backpackers with Blow Hole Bay’s more notorious locals: Kurt (anal retentive German) with Roy Savage (redneck), Bulla (softly spoken Argentine innocent) with Salty Dog (misogynist pirate), Chip (American boy next door) with Mayoress Swineburn (salacious alcoholic) and Kit Devine (raging gay party animal) with Lexy Mentos (celebrity hairdresser/gangster/closet gay icon). The results are both hilarious and terrifying. In some instances, it’s the Blow Hole Bay local who wants ‘out’ of the show. While Munga Pete, frustrated TV personality can’t get a break.
Little Nipper turns the tables on the show’s producers. He uses a hidden camera to document foul play, mishap, and collusion by the “Backpack This” team and then sends the footage to a rival network. The rival network initiates a new show “Behind the scenes of Backpack This” which becomes even more popular than the original.
The mudslinging escalates until Little Nipper discovers Meta’s past. Meta confides in Little Nipper her memories of being overlooked, teased and bullied as a child growing up in Blow Hole Bay. Little Nipper can sympathise. She explains that she is powerless to stop the march of good ratings, that the networks will sacrifice her without a second thought. Then she drops the bombshell, that the same international company owns both networks and shows. Little Nipper is stumped, but Metta has a sudden brainstorm and announces, “I made Backpack This, I can unmake Backpack This.”
The next episode of “Backpack This” features the backpackers and their hosts getting on famously, ‘negotiating their differences’ and generally being civil to each other. The rival program “Behind the Scenes of Blow Hole Bay”, reveals a crack team of facilitators are working with both the cast and crew “to build a positive environment”. Ratings plummet. Both shows are canceled and Blow Hole Bay falls back into blissful obscurity.
8. “Lexy’s Miracle Cure”
Little Nipper and Albert are snorkeling on the reef. Little Nipper sees a particularly beautiful shell and looking around to make sure no one is watching, he pockets it. Back on board the glass bottom boat, the children from Blow Hole Bay Primary School are lectured on not taking anything from the reef.
When disembarking from the tour boat, Albert sees that Little Nipper has taken the shell and shakes his head disapprovingly. Little Nipper makes the excuse, “It’s just one crummy shell”. He ties it around his neck and tucks it under his shirt. Onboard his fishing boat, Salty Dog decides to cross over onto the reef and trawl illegally. The next net haul is brimming with beautiful tropical fish, shells, and coral. Salty Dog scoops out a single fish and then dumps the refuse into a barrel labeled ‘Pecker’s Fish Paste’.
Lexy Mentos sniffs a number of test tubes. But none meet with his approval. He is looking for a new ‘secret’ ingredient for his ‘limp and greasy’ line of shampoos and conditioners. Down at the fish markets, Lexy picks through the stalls trying to find that ‘sea breeze’ component. Salty Dog is unloading his catch when one of the barrels spills open onto the wharf. Lexy turns and inhales deeply. “That’s it”! He announces. Salty Dog can’t believe his luck: unloading the barrel of ‘Pecker’s Fish Paste’ leftovers for a small fortune.
Lexy’s shampoo, “Sea Breeze” hits the shelves and it’s an overnight success and not just because it treats greasy and limp hair, but because its miracle properties heal the sick, cure the lame and eradicate cellulite.
Hearing of the new miracle cure, The ‘Getwell Pharmaceutical Company’, tries to secure mining rights on the reef. The idea has the full support of Mayor Swineburn. Lexy Mentos is furious; he wants the secret ingredient for himself. Little Nipper threatens to ‘dob’ in Lexy if he persists in the wrecking the reef. Lexy accuses Little Nipper of double standards, pointing to the shell hanging around his neck. In an act of contrition, Little Nipper flings the shell away. The shell spins lands deftly on a lab petri dishes. The test flashes positive. Little Nipper’s shell is the secret ‘miracle’ ingredient.
The tests conclude that a rare breed of sea lice, living on the shell, holds the key. Unfortunately, no other shell like it can be found. The ‘reef rangers’ stress that it’s out there somewhere; however, the only way to ensure its survival is to preserve the reef in perpetuity. The reef is declared a marine park, the ‘Getwell Pharmaceutical’ company goes home and Lexy goes back to flogging discount shampoo.
9. “Land of the Big Things”
Mayor and Mayoress Swineburn have just returned from an international holiday. Mayor Swineburn tries to think of ways of replicating the success of European tourist attractions in Blow Hole Bay: gondola trips to the mangroves, ‘the running of stray dogs’ down the main street, the changing of the guard at the local club (drunks thrown out at closing time). A billboard catches his eye: it reads, “See the Big Knob at Knobby’s Head”. Mayor Swineburn swears, “Blow Hole Bay is twice the town that Knobby’s Head is.”
Mayor Swineburn initiates a competition to come up with the best ‘Big Thing’ tourist attraction for Blow Hole Bay. A number of locals work feverishly away on their ‘Big Thing’ dreams: Lexy Mentos (Big Hair), Dick Deal (Big Cappuccino), Sylvia Le Plage (Big Peace Dove). The general public is invited to come along and vote for their favourite. However, the night before the winner is announced, the ballot boxes and finalist models are stolen.
Mayor Swineburn becomes increasingly bitter about the ‘Big Thing’ debacle. He launches a clandestine campaign of sabotaging other ‘Big Thing’ attractions; ‘Big Pineapples’ topple, ‘Big Lobsters’ crack, ‘Big Knobs’ fall off.
One day while tearing up the highway Mayor Swineburn notices a makeshift sign promoting ‘Miniature World’. Mayor Swineburn counters, “We’ll see about that!” Using all his influence, Mayor Swineburn conspires to close down “Miniature World” but it only becomes more popular. Finally, Mayor Swineburn plots the final solution.
Under the cover of darkness, Mayor Swineburn breaks into Miniature World but accidentally trips the alarm. White-hot stadium lighting illuminates the paddock. Mayor Swineburn spins around and stares incredulously at the miniature exhibits have been replaced with the stolen entries from his ‘Big Thing’ competition.
A man in flowing robes appears suddenly from out of the long grass that borders the paddock. He tells the Mayor he picked up the ‘Big Thing’ models in a garage sale and thought them ‘lovely’. Of special note, the golf tee, which Geoffrey regards as simple and elegant. Swineburn is genuinely flattered but then remembers the stolen ballots. Geoffrey tells the Mayor he recycled the ballots as handbills to advertise Miniature World – “Of little things, big things grow”.
The Mayor strikes a deal with Geoffrey for a cut of the takings of Miniature World in exchange for council planning approval. Geoffrey readily agrees. The next morning ‘Miniature World’ is gone. All that’s left is a vacant paddock. Mayor Swineburn is treated for shock at a discrete private clinic out of town.
10. “Love and Blow Holes”
A cheap and cheesy TV commercial concludes with kissing couple standing in front of the Blow Hole just as it erupts. The image freezes then dissolves to the phone number 1800-NARROWESCAPES. Kev and Bev Staples, a late middle-aged couple dressed in white cowboy and cowgirl outfits, turn to the editor and gush that, “This is our best commercial yet”!
An old rusted-out car wreck, peppered with gunshot holes, pulls up outside ‘Narrow Escapes’ office. A wild-eyed couple, a heavyset man in his 50’s and a woman in her early 30’s in wigs and trench coats, stumble into the office. They check in as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Bev and Kev Staples greet them with their usual brand of bonhomie and lurid insinuation.
Little Nipper and Albert who do odd jobs for change at the caravan park, overhear the Smiths discuss their audacious prison breakout (Bonnie Buchanan hijacked a commercial helicopter pilot on a joy flight and sprung her longtime lover, Clyde Chuckles, from a maximum security prison). Little Nipper and Albert are caught ears dropping by the desperados, Bonnie and Clyde, and taken hostage. Little Nipper and Albert are bound and gagged to a heart-shaped bed in the Honeymooner’s suite.
Caravan park caretakers, Kev and Bev, become suspicious of the Smiths when they discover that the couple’s marriage certificate is a forgery and alert the police. Bonnie and Clyde hear the approaching police sirens and prepare for the final showdown.
Bev and Kev, glued to the TV coverage of the siege just outside their door, are so impressed by Bonnie and Clyde’s great love-affair that they have a change of heart and help the ‘lawless lovers’ escape. And so Kev and Bev, in their white cowboy and cowgirl outfits, come out guns blazing.
The cops are attacked by the Staples which gives Bonnie Buchanan and Clyde Chuckles a change to make a break for it. Bev and Kev Staples are apprehended and taken into custody. Little Nipper and Albert Pataka are eventually found and released from the heart-shaped bed amongst much hilarity.
Bev and Kev Staples are convicted of being accessories in the escape of Bonnie and Clyde and given 10 years, but in the final twist Bonnie and Clyde spring them from prison. The two couples are last seen in Tokyo at a mass Moonie wedding nuptial where Bev and Kev Staples reconfirm their marriage vows.
11. “In a Pickle? Pick Peckers Paste”
At school, Little Nipper is asked to nominate what sort of ‘work experience’ he would like to do on his holidays. Little Nipper considers, “When I grow up I want to be a doctor”. Little Nipper’s teacher beams and pats him on the head. Munga Pete slaps Little Nipper’s face and pleads with him to take up a more interesting career like extreme sports, stuntman or TV host. Little Nipper is undeterred.
Little Nipper begins his first day of work experience accompanying a doctor on his rounds. However, after just a couple of appointments, Little Nipper observes that the doctor is a rather careless, distracted and insensitive medico.
Back at school, Little Nipper inquires if he can have a new mentor. The teacher considers, “Have you ever considered a career in politics?” Accompanying Mayor Swineburn on the campaign trail, Little Nipper endears himself to the public and the press. When Little Nipper’s approval rating for Mayor exceeds Swineburns’, the Mayor ditches the boy as a running mate.
Disillusioned by professional life and politics, his teacher suggests one last option: a career in business and sends him packing to Pecker’s Fish Paste factory to be mentored by Walter Pecker Snr. Surprisingly Little Nipper finds himself becoming intrigued by fish paste production. Walter Pecker Snr, who has never been able to interest his own son in the family business, is impressed and makes Little Nipper an assistant manager.
This predicament pits Little Nipper against his father, Frank, who works as a foreman at the factory in a classic worker vs management struggle. The tension at work spills over at home and not even Little Nipper’s mother can break the deadlock between father and son.
Working back late one night at the factory, Walter Snr teary, confesses to Little Nipper that the Pecker’s Paste Empire is bankrupt and that he has no choice but to sell up. Little Nipper informs his father of the immediate closure of the factory. He pleads with his father to take a meeting with old man Pecker. Frank reluctantly agrees. In the meeting, Little Nipper explains to his father why the business is unsustainable: cheap imports, the high cost of local production, the fact that fish paste is ‘uncool’. Walter Snr has to admit that maybe Little Nipper’s right - tastes have changed.
Little Nipper explains that the problem isn’t so much the taste of the paste but the image. He suggests some improvements: a name change, new labels, a range of different colours, prizes in the jar. Both Walter Snr and Little Nipper’s Dad are impressed. In a landmark decision, workers and management agree to put aside their differences and work together to launch the ‘New Improved Pecker’s Paste’.
The new paste is a sensation with the kids and Pecker’s Fish Paste factory is saved.
12. “Ms. Blow Hole Bay”
Mayoress Swineburn (Miss Blow Hole Bay 1967) chairs the Miss Blow Hole Bay Pageant Committee. The women despair at the general lack of interest by young women in the Blow Hole Bay pageant: they’ve only received 2 applications. They decide to wave the rules and regulations to try and attract more contestants.
To everyone’s surprise, Rosemary Gunner applies. When Rosemary’s mother discovers her only daughter is in with a chance to be the next Miss Blow Hole Bay, she is transformed overnight from absent parent to stage mother.
Sylvia Le Plage is appalled by the pageant and applies to be a contestant, with the ulterior motive of disrupting the competition. Under the tutelage of Lexy Mentos, Rosemary is molded into a high society debutante and Sylvia Le Plage goes from geeky eco-warrior to catwalk model. The grunts/girls are transformed into perfumed visions. Sylvia’s resolve to undermine the pageant wanes, “What can be so bad about looking good and feeling good about yourself”? Rosemary, eager to please her mother, tries her best to reign in her bad-girl behavior.
But it’s not enough to be fit and look good; money has to be raised for worthwhile charities. Sylvia, a natural high achiever, becomes obsessed. Rosemary buckles under the pressure. The night before the judging, she slips away, returning in the morning, sporting a new tattoo. Lexy pulls out all the stops to knock Rosemary back into shape.
The day of the pageant arrives. Mayoress Swineburn gives a nauseating speech about the qualities of womanhood. During the speech, Sylvia starts to have doubts about her participation. The winner is announced; Rosemary Gunner is declared Miss Blow Hole Bay 2005. Rosemary and Sylvia share the honour of raising a record amount of money for charity. Rosemary’s mother, Ruby Gunner, has never been more proud.
But before Rosemary can be crowned, a note is passed to one of the judges. The judge interrupts proceeding to disqualify Rosemary; seemingly her charity earnings were supplemented by the winnings of a wet T-Shirt competition. The title of Miss Blow Hole Bay is awarded to the runner-up, Sylvia. But Sylvia declines the title. She explains that she would like to see all the contestants honoured and suggests that there is no reason why men, as well as women, shouldn’t be considered as contestants.
Mayoress Swineburn is appalled and demands that the third place getter be quickly crowned to avoid any more controversy. The third place getter, Gloria Gables, a very tall woman with unusually large hands and feet takes the podium and begins her acceptance speech with a tribute to her surgeon in “Making a real woman of me”.
Copyright PJ Graham